Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
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every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.