@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

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@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

@maisonshouting

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

@venomjunkie2

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

@novicefather

[cuddling]
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty

@realHamOnWry

Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.

@LostFelicia

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

@bourgeoisalien

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

@KateWhineHall

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.