Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?