HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.