@RedRegenerated

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

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@IvoryGazelle

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

@tchrquotes

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

@TyWebb1980

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

@yerpalmildsauce

FACT: The Ghostbusters are a paralegal entity who enforce arbitrary restrictions on Post-Corporeal Americans.

@ShaeAaron

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

@BuckyIsotope

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@JohnLyonTweets

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

@divamonroe2uhoe

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

@CrankyPappy

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.