@RedRegenerated

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

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@Havish_AF

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@Bandersnaaatch

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

@Carbosly

Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?

Works for my computer.

@CheeseDaydreams

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

@DeanOkay

I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

@iGreenMonk

If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny.

If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.