her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

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We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]


For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”


Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*


“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex


The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird


LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.


Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.


*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?


*on the phone
Him: where are you?!
Me: I’m just waiting for the train
Him: hurry up
Me:…no problem. I’ll be waiting faster


Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!