her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

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I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.


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ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet


Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing


Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.


Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?

Works for my computer.


Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant


I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.


If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny.

If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.