Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
You Might Also Like
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?
Works for my computer.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.