her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.