her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you