HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
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When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.