Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
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Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.