her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.