Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
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No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
This cop is driving so fast it’s like he’s trying to keep up with me
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
What do we want?
A cure for short-term memory loss!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]