@ArfMeasures

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

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@thelaurenobrien

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

@3sunzzz

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

@BigBec43

This cop is driving so fast it’s like he’s trying to keep up with me

@ashmensch

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

@prontopup

What do we want?

A cure for short-term memory loss!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?

@ItsAndyRyan

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

@DancesWithTamis

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

@Sophie2078

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

@EJGomez

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf