Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.