@TheMichaelRock

Her text: I’m tanning. Call you when I’m done.

My thoughts: SHE’S NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED

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@lovstructionist

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

@Jeffwni

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

@stevevsninjas

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

@chuuew

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

@DavidAdt1

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

@kimtopher22

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”