Growing up was a huge mistake
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich