her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
They did not think through this water fountain