I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
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Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Siri, where are my pants?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry