@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

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@jackiembouvier

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

@just1fool

Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.

@TheWeirdWorld

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

@irishrygirl

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

@TweetPotato314

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

@jazz_inmypants

cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry