her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
smh
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
(Electricians.)
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
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