Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers