her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
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#inspiration #foodforthought
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.