SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Her: that’s disgusting
Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes
Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k
(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this