Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?

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I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.


If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.


me: I can’t sleep

her: count some sheep

me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit


Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.


Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity


Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?


Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.


Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.