I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
me: I can’t sleep
her: count some sheep
me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.
Last-minute gift idea!
Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.