@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

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@ChaseMit

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

@causticbob

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

@369ffs

me: I can’t sleep

her: count some sheep

me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit

@EliTerry

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

@Mr_Kapowski

Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@Rikidus

Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.

@BetteMidler

Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.