Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.