fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
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Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
*cape flaps in the wind*
Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K?
Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Presidents Day was created by big corporations to get you to buy more presidents.