Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence
chicks dig when you visit them in jail
Love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas like that matters when deciding what to buy & feed a pet who eats its own vomit.
Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”