@FredTaming

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

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@ghostkrogh

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

@SICKOFWOLVES

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

@justokpanda

When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove

@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@shkeeber

*cape flaps in the wind*

Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K?

Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@Awk0Tacoo

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

@MumInBits

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

@TheMichaelRock

Presidents Day was created by big corporations to get you to buy more presidents.