Her: know what you’re getting yet?
Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.
Her: oh, you have a kid at home?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did
Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring
2 things I hate;
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
A couple who are silly together stay together.