her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.