@huntigula

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

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@thatdutchperson

[first date]

Her: know what you’re getting yet?

Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.

Her: oh, you have a kid at home?

Me: no.

@humanaaron

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

@bridger_w

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@VisionBored1

Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did

Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring

@EastonEnyart

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

@SortaSarcastic

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

@Phook75

If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”

@T_N_Crumpets

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO