her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.