Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
next question.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.