Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
(Musicians.)
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My dog ate my work from home.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.