Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

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Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!


My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait that’s not my waiter.


*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*


me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone


*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.


It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.


Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.


I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”


I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.