@ArfMeasures

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

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@professorkiosk

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

@craydrienne

My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait that’s not my waiter.

@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

@Bratterina

*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.

@TheCiscoKidder

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

@brianbowman73

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”

@drinksmcgee

I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.