@ArfMeasures

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

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@FeelingEuphoric

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

@david8hughes

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

@dave_cactus

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

@FloridaMan__

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

@EmilyAnnette6

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

@randypaint

some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday

friends: nice. what if we sang u a song about it while we stare at u

guy: i would hate it

friends: oh ya we would too

guy: perfect let’s do that forever

@Stap_Jr

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

@iamspacegirl

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

@fart

dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now

@sweetg35

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!