Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

BETRAYAL

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

I enjoy a good short stor

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.