@ArfMeasures

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

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@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@thatdutchperson

My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.

@Brampersandon_

[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?

@aneesa_p

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

@FeverFlave

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

@Skoogeth

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

@ericsshadow

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.