Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
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UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing