her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
When you don’t understand how floors work
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh