@mrjohndarby
@Fred_Delicious
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
You Might Also Like
@Fred_Delicious
@Birdhumms
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
@AngelaEhh
Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
@PhuckinCody
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
@pixelatedboat
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
@AndrewNadeau0
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
@leechee420
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
@Chhapiness
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
@WilliamAder
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
@ksujulie
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.