@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

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@Fred_Delicious

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

@Birdhumms

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

@AngelaEhh

Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.

@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@pixelatedboat

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

@AndrewNadeau0

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@Chhapiness

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

@WilliamAder

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

@ksujulie

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.