her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

You Might Also Like


[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]


One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.


Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.


[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”


The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash


[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.


The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”


Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me


Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.


Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.