her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.


me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop


*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?


Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to


My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away


interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired


If you’re having luftballon problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 luftballons and whatever whatever I don’t speak German


Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?


[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone