[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
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Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.