@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

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@MarcusTheToken

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

@FannyB1tch

Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.

@just1fool

Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.

@Authoralexp

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

@loribuckmajor

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@singwithTaffy

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

@Rockenden

I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.