her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
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depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I know a bad idea when I see one.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?