@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*

@TweetPotato314

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

@BridgetPhetasy

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@fro_vo

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

@GabbbarSingh

All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. ūüôā

@Staggfilms

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods ‚Äúno‚ÄĚ*

@ghostkrogh

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first