her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

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I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.


“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.


I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.


Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft


Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”


Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.


What do you mean I’ve had enough to drink?!!

Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.


I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.


I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.


The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.