@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

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@man_in_radiator

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

@jazmasta

“Please. I need this” I whisper as a 14 year old girl starts to get the better of me in an arm wrestling match.

@dshack8

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.

@mcclure111

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

@scorpicpanda

Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@MrAdamBez

What do you mean I’ve had enough to drink?!!

Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.

@RunOldMan

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

@Swishergirl24

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

@HomeProbably

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.