her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?


The classiest Minion is called a Filet Minion please fave and RT



SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round


Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.


My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.


My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”


Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.



Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.