@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

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@ThisLocalHater

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?

@vornietom

The classiest Minion is called a Filet Minion please fave and RT

@aotakeo

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@Xoolun

My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.

@Mr_Kapowski

My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”

@KevinFarzad

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.