her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

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Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*


me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it


Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.


in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle


*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea


All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. ūüôā


ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods ‚Äúno‚ÄĚ*


alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first