@pilau

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

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@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

@rebrafsim

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

@AndrewNadeau0

WOLF: Can I have a thing?
GOD: Like what?
W: I want to scream at the moon.
G: Not wings or-
W: No.
G: But you cou-
W: Scream. At. Moon.

@TjSmooth0

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

@NervousJr

When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you’ll meet the man of your dreams.

@cdpeck

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

@Chumpstring

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet