her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

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[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.


[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry


WOLF: Can I have a thing?
GOD: Like what?
W: I want to scream at the moon.
G: Not wings or-
W: No.
G: But you cou-
W: Scream. At. Moon.


I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.


When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you’ll meet the man of your dreams.


I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.


[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet