@JustDontBugMe

Her: Those ants are working so hard.
Me: We could learn from them.

Ant1: Humans are staring.
Ant2: Yes, they’ll spray some shit on us. Run!

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@MNateShyamalan

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

@YourMomsucksTho

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

@HatfieldAnne

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

@kumailn

Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.

@Gre_Gone

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

@Pumpkinbabypie

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

@zachreinert03

When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’