Her: Those ants are working so hard.
Me: We could learn from them.

Ant1: Humans are staring.
Ant2: Yes, they’ll spray some shit on us. Run!

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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe


You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok


Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.


You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.


Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.


[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*


No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.


When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’