*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Noted.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.