[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Möther may I have a snäck
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
August 8
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Bike is short for Bichael.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.