Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
found my next D&D character name
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Support your local cemetery
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried