Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

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Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel


HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up

HER: yes

ME: (under breath) ruh roh


I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.


[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?


The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken


The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster


Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.


Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.


Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by “A man who layeth with another man must be stoned.”