@nutsaremixed

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

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@JasonLastname

Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up

HER: yes

ME: (under breath) ruh roh

@gobmentcheese

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?

@SortaBad

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

@Home_Halfway

The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

@TheBeerGuy73

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

@GeorgeTakei

Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by “A man who layeth with another man must be stoned.”