@SirEviscerate

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

You Might Also Like

@roxiqt

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

@CArmanthegirl

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

@KylePlantEmoji

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

@Darlainky

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids?
Me: When are you going to stop?

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

@ibid78

The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. “It’s 5486,” says one guy, but it could’ve been 8 guys.

@WheelTod

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.