@ClichedOut

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

You Might Also Like

@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

@UncleBob56

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

@treydayway

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

@bridger_w

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

@animadvertguy

Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)

@iGreenGod

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.