her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
me irl
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.