her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

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*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.


If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.


Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)


Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit


If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek


I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.


ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?


Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)


A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.