Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
A leaf blower, but for people.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.