Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
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Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
This made me chuckle.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home