Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
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Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Duolingo getting serious.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.