I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.