Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
my professor scared me for a second
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival