Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire