Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
You Might Also Like
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
It’s the weekend y’all
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.