Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
*skinny dips into black hole
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead