@Jake_Vig

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

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@QwertyJones3

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

@boring_as_heck

Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.

@Lowenaffchen

Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead

@LeftAtLondon

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@ellentee

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

@adamrensch

Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?

@iAmDelFreaky

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

@Classy_Cassy89

I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.