HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*