Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.