her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
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Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes