her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics