her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.