her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.