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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world