@treywafer

Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Her: why?
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Her: ?
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*

Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Her: why?
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Her: ?
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*

- @treywafer

You Might Also Like

@Parkerlawyer

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

@iamrandomape

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

@OneTrickTofani

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@JohnLyonTweets

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.

@hipchkk

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

@Fickle_Filly

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

@aksorojas

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

@jackiembouvier

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.